


i fucking hate you. ( but i love you. )

by oton_ashii



Series: amour ( aka iris' regrets ) [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa Zero
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, Blood and Gore, Canon Divergent, Claustrophobia, Crying, F/M, Fluff, Iris doesn't know how to handle emotions and instead ignores then, Iris is totally in love with both Ryoko and Matsuda, Major DR0 Spoilers, Major character death - Freeform, OC X CANON, Pain, Takes Place Mainly In DR0, This is completely self indulgent, Weapons, Whump, fears, no beta we die like men, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:20:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27954524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oton_ashii/pseuds/oton_ashii
Summary: iris kimiko wants to dream.a soft second and small smiles shared between her and her lover and she'll be happy.but she can't dream. painful nightmares glued to the back of her eyelids in hot pink and soft cries and disgusting noises-iris kimiko would rather stay awake.
Relationships: Enoshima Junko/Yasuke Matsuda (Implied), Iris Kimiko (OC)/Junko Enoshima (one-sided), Iris Kimiko (OC)/Ryoko Otonashi (Implied), Iris Kimiko (OC)/Yasuke Matsuda, one-sided)
Series: amour ( aka iris' regrets ) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2053716
Kudos: 2





	i fucking hate you. ( but i love you. )

**Author's Note:**

> this is completely self indulgent- i love matsuda so so much and my oc iris shares a universe with him. 
> 
> please enjoy- i'm an official writer but i've never written something like this- i've also never written on ao3!

iris kimiko wants to dream.

a soft second and small smiles shared between her and her lover and she'll be happy.

but she can't dream. painful nightmares glued to the back of her eyelids in hot pink and soft cries and disgusting noises-

iris kimiko would rather stay awake.

soft fingertips poke at her as she awakens- claustrophobic breathing taking her form hostage as the walls suddenly recede once again.

the ultimate experiment has no days off. no days to learn- no empty schedules. always something to do- always new things to be forced onto. a brand new lab rat for menacing teachers and rude scientists to poke and prod at-

she's needed. she's wanted. she's okay.

days after the first failure, people avoid her. they treat her with nothing but extremely soft words- she feels like she's unraveling. 

she hurt someone- a scientist. a doctor. a single experiment and her life is over, they're never gonna need her ever again and she'll go back with her family-

they still keep their distance even after she's apologized.  
( she learns later this wasn't because of /her/ failure, but more of a failure between unspoken people, one's who she's long forgotten of. )

she gets a new doctor. feminine features and beautiful black hair- captivating. the claustrophobia dims a little as he helps her into the pod- but as soon as he's out of sight it drums against her chest like a marching band and she begins wailing- begging.

the others go on with their day- normal screaming, normal crying, nothing new.

not him.

he opens the pod and lets her out- postpones the experiment because patient's always come first.

( she feels a soft warm feeling, knowing she's his- /his/ patient. she learns of the other red haired one- she meets her once as well.

ryoko remembers her the next time around- and matsuda demands iris stays with her a while longer for his own research-

hours later, ryoko is still repeating iris' name and now matsuda has gotten annoyed. iris laughs- she's important. )

iris gets hurt. she makes the wrong move with the wrong doctor and gets herself pushed into machines- wrapped in wires and panicking because it's drowning her, sinking into it and suddenly she feels sparks run over her skin and she's screaming-

she's okay. she's not the only one screaming now. yasuke holds her on the floor, screaming and chasing at the doctor who is ushered out of the building.

matsuda doesn't let her leave the lab- mutters of concern and sighs of annoyance as she tries to stand and fails, her body weak still. it isn't as annoying as she thinks it is- endearing in his eyes- pinching her cheeks and flicking her forehead with dull insults like idiot and ugly-

she doesn't mind. he makes her safe.

she meets enoshima. regret fills her chest as she thinks of how a woman could walk like a goddess and yet be the devil incarnate- but iris doesn't mind. doesn't care. enoshima taunts and hugs and touches over and over and yet she doesn't care. 

she speaks of matsuda and suddenly iris is hyperfocused.

similarities jump out at her as enoshima speaks in her ear before slinking away back into the darkness- back into hell, or heaven, or wherever a being such as her would reside.

seeds of doubt are planted as she looks in the mirror. enoshima junko. yasuke matsuda's childhood friend- a hole in his heart she could never fill. her pink hair isn't the right shade, she has the deepest red eyes anyone could hope for, clashing directly with enoshima's blue hues.

nothing like her. she has nothing to worry about. 

she likes it better to worry about small things than anticipate the next worst scenario. 

( iris later learns to appreciate the small moments where she can breathe easy- she doesn't try and make issues any longer. )

she's with ryoko and matsuda most of the time. they're doing normal things- checkups and annoying the neurologist and playfully messing with each other's hair-

iris is patient as she reminds the redhead where she is and what she's doing and hearing her name flow so clearly from otonashi's lips makes her ecstatic.

being remembered.

matsuda watches on with a miniscule of a smile as he peeks over his manga (that iris has a habit of stealing) before directing his eyes back down and acting as if he wasn't looking.

iris is drowning in her own saliva.

she is unable to swallow- she watches from behind a glass window as her lover- /lover/- experiments on a black haired man. the headmaster stands off to the side and she wonders if he'll notice her expression as the devilish diva whispers in her ear.

death threats. blackmail. gaslighting. she doesn't know how to react. enoshima is truly an evil woman.

' i'll kill yasuke matsuda. '

iris stops trying to understand later that night when she goes back to her room and notices the notes left behind by her friend.

she trashes the slips of paper, her heart stabbed over and over as she holds them over the candle and let's them fucking /burn/. burn, burn, burn. she knows ryoko won't remember sending them, so who cares.

( iris does. iris cares more than anyone- her love for her knows no bounds as she holds hands with another- she can't help the ache in her heart as she desperately claws at her own mind. 

ryoko otonashi. )

an experiment. a memory experiment that will give her any memories that enoshima wishes.

all for matsuda, is what iris repeats as her hands shake and her body convulses as enoshima watches her closely as she signs the forms without reading- she blindly trusts in the devil as she signs away her memories and body for more and more experiments.

all for matsuda, is what iris says in the mirror as she plans to murder another- enoshima doesn't have a heart, nor a soul, it doesn't matter to iris now, it's much too important for her to save herself and matsuda for iris to stop now.

all for matsuda, is what dies and rots away in iris' brain as she gets a note on familiar pink paper, with a kiss mark in deep red lipstick with the words 'i know your plan.'

( iris is stupid. she knows this- yasuke tells her all the time before kissing her- says she's stupid, or an idiot, before pressing his lips to hers and letting both of them sink into the sweet void of nothing but them. 

it's just them. but it always ends and iris never complains- because she's stupid. she's an idiot- and she knows he never means it, but she's okay even if he does. )

her chest swells with panic as the next note flutters in from beneath her door.

' meet in the old school building cutie. '

a familiar kiss mark. /enoshima./

iris is afraid. she knows something's going to happen and she can't figure out what.

she's paralyzed when she walks in and sees nothing but a sea of iron. pink. the familiar redhead who's screaming over a familiar body.

iris doesn't move- she's shoved. shoved by a woman she only recognizes as enoshima- no.

freckles. enoshima has no freckles. why didn't she notice before? 

sharp pain shoots up her spine and her legs as she turns. comfort- comfort must be what ryoko needs- her precious friend, her best friend- her lovely ryoko, who is laughing.

laughing. laughing hysterically as she stands and stares down at iris.

she looks over at her lover- who stares back.

he can't speak- light is draining from his eyes and yet he managed to mouth a few words, ones he promised he'd never say because he doesn't need to- he shows her in different ways.

love. i love you.

iris knows she's crying as screams bounce off the walls. the knife buried in his side is glaring through her soul and she screams louder and louder and louder and-

stomp.

stomp.

stomp  
stomp  
stomp  
stompstompstompstomp-

iris watches on in mute horror as his body is desecrated beneath ryoko's shoes. 

love. i love you.

his blood flies, specks of it staining iris' clothes as she backs away to the wall- get away. she can't stay close to the body- she'll die. she doesn't know how, but she will.

ryoko- no, junko- turns to her with tears falling and leans down with a coo.

' my poor little experiment. are you scared? '

( iris has always been afraid. )

she's dragged over to her lovers body- if you could even call it that. nothing but a lump of flesh. she manages to salvage his tie at best, but before she can start crying, junko pushes her face into the body.

screams and flails as she feels her entire body shut down.

she wants it to stop.

she's so scared. iris hates being scared.

her screams are heart breaking to junko as she finally lets go of iris- but everything's broken.

iris continues to scream until her lungs nearly collapse- clawing at her face and skin as she can still feel the phantom of his cold skin against hers.

scratches and bruises fill her tan skin as she screams harder, sobbing harder, drawing blood.

mixing blood.

junko watches as iris curls onto a ball on the floor, screaming into the tie.

' i fucking hate you. '

junko feels herself smile. she really does love those two so much.

iris doesn't bother to get up.

her eyes are closed as she desperately tries to wake up from the horrible dream- a nightmare. a claustrophobia induced nightmare- yasuke will pull her from the experiment pod and hold her.

she's gonna be okay.

junko cries her heart out as she dances atop his body.

iris doesn't pay attention.

she has an experiment to get ready for, junko reminds her.

iris doesn't care.

she has to be a good little lab rat, junko chimes.

iris feels her soul decay.

it'll be over soon. the noises ring in her ears as she holds the tie.

' but i love you. '


End file.
